quotes

I must quote two of my dearest friends. They make my day. Actually, with these quotes they've made my week. If everything I ever wrote served only the purpose of creating memorable quotes from my friends, it would be worth it for words like these...

" Maybe your state of mind lets you see things in a totally different light than others. Maybe it just lets you say what everyone else sees too, but are to weak and scared to say out loud. Maybe your honesty is your greatest attraction and the most sexy thing about you. Maybe you deserve to have a man at your beck and call for reasons you may not understand. Maybe you have a power that you do not fully understand. Maybe you were right on all accounts. Maybe you are on glue. " Nathan Joosten

" You must be bored silly with my discussions of floods and cows and movies and horses because your mind is so complicated it makes Leonard Cohen's lyrics sound like nursery rhymes. " Marilyn Halvorson

By the way, Marilyn, you could never make me bored with anything you write. On the contrary, your letters are and will always be a highlight in my life, which any one who has seen me receive them would be able to guarantee...

my greatest fear

My greatest fear and my deepest longing is for God to break through with such a force that no words I say or write could explain what he has done to me.

Every human has some kind of a need for communication. Every human has a basic need to in one way or another communicate something to another being. If one does not find words one has to find another way to forward the information one wishes to communicate.

My greatest fear and my deepest longing is that I will be left trembling for words, not finding them, and instead being forced to live out what I cannot speak out. Instead of finding the words I would be forced to communicate in action what my words lack. I would be forced to love in a way no words can love. If I had met God eye to eye in a way no words can describe I could do nothing but live my entire life for him, every day wordlessly giving up my entire self for him. I would have to give up all my belongings, my time, my tiredness, my selfishness, my own ambition, to serve him in every second.

If God did to me what he says he wants to do to me blogging wouldn’t be enough. Emails wouldn’t be enough. Words wouldn’t be enough. Therefore the promises God has for me, the life he is calling me into, is my greatest fear and my deepest longing. Because I know there will come a day and it is coming soon when God has such a place in my life that no one else can understand it in any other way than by silently receiving the love I give through the work of my hands and the person I become.

I am not there. I am not close to there. I might not get there over night by a blinding light on a road outside of Damascus. But I am moving toward it. Because it is my greatest fear and my deepest longing. And no two things have such an enormous power of attraction as fear and love. What I fear the most I will be drawn to, what I love the most I cannot stay away from. Therefore I am heading straight for God’s heart.

I did drink tea. I also spent hours in the sunshine and by the altar of an old stone Church. Tea comes in many forms.

paintings

I actually painted today. Thankyou God. Long time no see paintbrush. Sorry for the stains on the kitchen table Mum.

 

 

the pilgrims threshold

I believe there is a threshold of insanity one has to pass through. It is a pilgrimage of placing a certain distance between the layers of ones mind. Some people spend their whole life inside the threshold. Some people spend their whole life running and running and running, stuck on the threshold. I believe that with insanity being the result of suppressed feelings, having no other outlet than in a letting go of limits, one has to dare to pass through that threshold and keep going. One has to be completely insane but not stop there. One has to face what that insanity truly is; it's root, origin, purpose and heartbeat. One has to face that total limitlessness and live it out. Some people just go mad. Other people just might find a key to change in the process of going through insanity. That is my belief. I am moving through layer after layer of social experiments, analyses of my mind, crazy ideas, lack of limits. And the further I go the closer I get to my innermost being, my issues, my fears, my immaturity, and my calling from God. I believe that when one truly dares to be limitless, one begins to be truly honest. That is the key to gain sanity in limitlessness, I think. To be truly honest. To not be mad for the sake of being mad, but being mad in the eyes of the world because one is so honest that one becomes unbelievable.

I know I am going deep. I know I am being a little hard to understand. I know you might wonder what this has to do with my pilgrimage. Well, I believe it has everything to do with my pilgrimage. I believe God won't let me out on a pilgrimage before I have been brave enough to face what I actually am carrying around inside. I believe the pilgrimage started with a process of insanity that might seem hard to grasp for me right now, but actually just is the threshold for a breakthrough I have been praying for. I believe much right now. Most of all I believe I need to relax and drink tea. I think God has some love he needs to share with me in peace and quiet. I will always believe in tea.

madness vs limitlessness

I started analyzing my mental health today which must be said is a very hazardous and demanding occupation. I fear the day will come when it just can't be avoided, when that final and definite, the long and latin sounding, the tounge twisting, mind wrecking name for the unkown and long feared syndroma, the mental disorder of the year, will be undisputably found there, in the curves and bumps of my none too explored brain.

But I did it anyway. I asked the question, am I actually mentally ill or am I just psycopatic as result of a conscious choice, like an image, a suitable style or a way to cope with the world being the way it is?

I think I found some kind of rootlessness, a lack of grounding, a distance between my feet and the floor, my mind and the reality around me. I think I have never been so aware of the world around me as when I was learning to drive. I spent every second thinking of the very definite existence of instant death. Then I got my driving license and that distance between me and the consequences of my actions returned in full scale. Sometimes I wonder whether I should do something about the lack of connection between my conscious mind and the life I live. But then again, I think I just was blessed with the gift of being able to follow God's leading without really examining every aspect of the way. I just do things. I agree with the Nike slogan. Just do it.

So I didn't really find a mental disorder when I examined myself today. I found a deeply rooted disgust for following the conventional. The world. I found a hatred so deep and passionate that it really shocked me. I found that the good girl inside me was secretly making love with a rebel, and following some secret code of conduct, best described as Brutal Honesty combined with Total Limitlessness. I know people who kill by living by those guide lines. I know people who can be so mad, and so ruthless, that they just walk straight across other human beings with no sense of boundaries or compassion and leave hurt and empty shells behind them. But the thought that comforts me is that where the deepest evil exists there must be a deep good to accompany it on the other extreme.

Obviously the limitlessness of my inner being, the disconnected person in pyjamas, the pink and red punk queen hidden in jeans and a sweater coming out at random moments for a stroll across the parking lot on a Sunday morning, obviously she has something to offer the world in regards of spreading God's kingdom. The tornado effect I call it. The slicing of peoples carefully built outer walls of protection. The honesty that cuts through. The insanity.

What does it look like in my every day life? The Insanity.

The total lack of economical security. (Don't you just love when your mother throws it in your face daily? The hints, the comments, the kind and loving reflections over the convienience of being able to earn your living by doing something like laying tiles in peoples bathrooms, and the obvious following conclusion of the pointlessness of being a pilgrim) The moving from one place to another too fast with no roots because God said Take your bags and go. The constant question Where is my life going and will I ever actually know or will I live it week by week? The need of mixing pink and red, jeans and dresses, the need of creating a chaos that drives oneself to tears. The need of placing any item in a place where it doesn't belong. The need of leaving whatever item brought out on the kitchen table without putting it back in its draw. The need of the Art of Chaos. The constant creative producing of Chaos in every aspect of ones life.

The spontanious howling JEEEEEEESSSUUUUUUS at the top of my voice. The dancing moves in book shops. The prayer sessions on the deck of ferries. The mad challenges presented to the other members of the Crazy Peoples Society. The planning of the Vacuumer March in the Centre of Stockholm (It's not a dog, it's a vacuumer. "We fooled them Buster, we fooled them")

I don't know why God needs maniacs and I don't know why I choose this hard and demanding way of living my life. I don't know why I need to go on a 800 km walk across Spain and I don't know why I had to give away all the money I had so that I currently can't even get to Spain in the first place let alone live there for months. I don't know why, I just know I am living by another maniacs orders. I am living by a greater maniac. I am living by the leading of the Mental Case of The Cross. I am actually just a plagiat with my own style. I just didn't feel like sanity was the answer to everything in life. But that leaves me in the situation of having to accept a certain limitlessness. It is really hard to be properly insane without exceeding some by others carefully obtained limits for the living of ones life. And as much as one would wish that it was possible to go around the pain and anxiety of loosing control and having no limits to hold on to, it seems like that is the inevitable consequence of living a life by the parametres of insanity.

The limitation of limitlessness is that there is no limits. It is painful and hard but it is important to understand in the beginning of the journey. The goal is The Heart Of God and it has no limits. The way there is neverending and there will never be the morning when you wake up to a nine to five job and that is all there is to your life. Will you accept the challenge?

I didn't find a mental disorder. I found a life choice. Maybe not an image after all. A bigger choice. The choice to follow Jesus.

miracle, huh, god?

OK. So I bought The Trekker Gear I never thought I'd own. The ultra super light weight no storm will beat it gear that will last all my coming adventures and just punctured my economy but will spare my body when on the move.

And now what, God? Once I have paid the flight down, which despite the fact that it's the cheapest way down still costs money, and the insurance, and the Important Items still on my list I will be, lets see, down on...

...0.

Great. What's the plan God? I'm still ill, I'm not working, I have spent money on my doctor and antibiotics, and now it's soon time to go, and I am seriously wondering which miracle will save my butt. According to the world I can't go. What's your answer God? Only you can scrape me up off the floor this time. Good ideas, ey?

my godly aunt

He did it again. When I really needed to hear his voice but couldn't, he made my aunt in California email me. She usually does when God needs to tell me something. He'll use guest speakers and prayer sessions in her life to tell me what I should do with mine...

Fear hit me, that this idea of going on this long walk won't work out, that I won't get well in time and that I won't have enough money... And then this email arrived from my aunt, who had gone to Church and listened to a woman who ministers in Africa...

"...Anyway, I was listening to her as she talked about how God has been dealing with her and one thing that leaped out at me was when she said that God told her 'to take a long walk and do nothing but worship!' I thought, isn't that what God is talking to Erikka about, so it is one of His ways to prepare His people for His work! Wow! It set my mind at ease about your doings as I tend to be too practical and always want to have my ducks in order at first! So if you feel that God is leading you that way, you have my blessing, as God showed me He's in control here!"

Thanks God, thanks Tuija!

morfine and no mirja

So Mirja isn't coming. But that's OK, 'cause God must have an exciting thought with sending me out alone.

The doctor gave me a cough medicine with morfine in it. I'm not coughing as much anymore. It's effective. It knocks your head out.

I need to get well. I need to get in shape. I need a miracle for my economy. And then I'm off...

Goodnight for now. Love!

 

coughs and plans

Missing my plane, coming home 24 hours later than planned, and going straight back to work after 12 days travelling around Scotland did its share to exhaust my already a little weary body. The adrenaline junkie has crashed. But it's worth the coughing, fever and exhaustion; what would life be without week long adrenaline rushes?

So I was standing in Hemköp packing the groceries I'd just bought for an old lady at work, when I looked up and saw my best friend since age eight standing there. Maybe hadn't surprised me as much if not for the fact that she currently was living up north with her Dad, and I hadn't seen her for months.

If God wants she is coming with me on the Camino. She is The Swedish Girl beyond imagination. Blond hair, blue eyes, with a beautiful, slim and very feminine body. Absolutely stunning. If I didn't love her as a sister I would hate her guts... But I do love her, and she is in many ways an amazing woman and friend. I find it hilarious that she actually has an education in Swedish Massage, which sounds like a joke to go with her hair colour, but I know I won't complain if she does join me on this straineous walk.

We are praying for money. I am willing to go without it, trusting God to provide. But I am aware of the necessity to own enough of it to be able to get to France, with hiking boots and a backpack containing important items, and get home again if needed. I have just enough to get there, maybe not back but who cares, but Mirja will need some more to be able to go. Please God? I would so wish for her to get this experience, she needs your love so bad? I'll pay all I can for her, but you know, I erh, can't get her very far...

Being a pilgrim feels slightly surreal in ones childhood home. It must be somewhat like the feeling of being the brain surgeon who just got told by his Mum to do the dishes, but with more freedom; just passing through, moving on... But it hurts.

There is obviously two kinds of pain. The pain of not following the calling God placed on ones life. And the pain of all the sacrifices when following it...

I wish I was strong enough to love my parents not in words and tongue, but in action and truth; but I'm moving on. I am not the person I wish to be when I'm at home. I just never cease to hope for the day when the love I receive from God, will change the way the people closest to me look at life.

But why is it so hard to pass it on to the people closest to me?

If I leave on the 7th of September as the vague plan is, I have less than three weeks to figure that one out...

 

my first step as a pilgrim

I have a blog. It's my first step. I can post my location, mental status, spiritual revelations and current events in one place, for all my friends to see. It's the painful necessity of a modern world; I will have to find internet cafés. My only comfort is that Paul would have done it too. No way would he have walked across Europe without blogging some good hints to the Corinthians and posting a few thoughts to the Romans.

I'm started.