madness vs limitlessness

I started analyzing my mental health today which must be said is a very hazardous and demanding occupation. I fear the day will come when it just can't be avoided, when that final and definite, the long and latin sounding, the tounge twisting, mind wrecking name for the unkown and long feared syndroma, the mental disorder of the year, will be undisputably found there, in the curves and bumps of my none too explored brain.

But I did it anyway. I asked the question, am I actually mentally ill or am I just psycopatic as result of a conscious choice, like an image, a suitable style or a way to cope with the world being the way it is?

I think I found some kind of rootlessness, a lack of grounding, a distance between my feet and the floor, my mind and the reality around me. I think I have never been so aware of the world around me as when I was learning to drive. I spent every second thinking of the very definite existence of instant death. Then I got my driving license and that distance between me and the consequences of my actions returned in full scale. Sometimes I wonder whether I should do something about the lack of connection between my conscious mind and the life I live. But then again, I think I just was blessed with the gift of being able to follow God's leading without really examining every aspect of the way. I just do things. I agree with the Nike slogan. Just do it.

So I didn't really find a mental disorder when I examined myself today. I found a deeply rooted disgust for following the conventional. The world. I found a hatred so deep and passionate that it really shocked me. I found that the good girl inside me was secretly making love with a rebel, and following some secret code of conduct, best described as Brutal Honesty combined with Total Limitlessness. I know people who kill by living by those guide lines. I know people who can be so mad, and so ruthless, that they just walk straight across other human beings with no sense of boundaries or compassion and leave hurt and empty shells behind them. But the thought that comforts me is that where the deepest evil exists there must be a deep good to accompany it on the other extreme.

Obviously the limitlessness of my inner being, the disconnected person in pyjamas, the pink and red punk queen hidden in jeans and a sweater coming out at random moments for a stroll across the parking lot on a Sunday morning, obviously she has something to offer the world in regards of spreading God's kingdom. The tornado effect I call it. The slicing of peoples carefully built outer walls of protection. The honesty that cuts through. The insanity.

What does it look like in my every day life? The Insanity.

The total lack of economical security. (Don't you just love when your mother throws it in your face daily? The hints, the comments, the kind and loving reflections over the convienience of being able to earn your living by doing something like laying tiles in peoples bathrooms, and the obvious following conclusion of the pointlessness of being a pilgrim) The moving from one place to another too fast with no roots because God said Take your bags and go. The constant question Where is my life going and will I ever actually know or will I live it week by week? The need of mixing pink and red, jeans and dresses, the need of creating a chaos that drives oneself to tears. The need of placing any item in a place where it doesn't belong. The need of leaving whatever item brought out on the kitchen table without putting it back in its draw. The need of the Art of Chaos. The constant creative producing of Chaos in every aspect of ones life.

The spontanious howling JEEEEEEESSSUUUUUUS at the top of my voice. The dancing moves in book shops. The prayer sessions on the deck of ferries. The mad challenges presented to the other members of the Crazy Peoples Society. The planning of the Vacuumer March in the Centre of Stockholm (It's not a dog, it's a vacuumer. "We fooled them Buster, we fooled them")

I don't know why God needs maniacs and I don't know why I choose this hard and demanding way of living my life. I don't know why I need to go on a 800 km walk across Spain and I don't know why I had to give away all the money I had so that I currently can't even get to Spain in the first place let alone live there for months. I don't know why, I just know I am living by another maniacs orders. I am living by a greater maniac. I am living by the leading of the Mental Case of The Cross. I am actually just a plagiat with my own style. I just didn't feel like sanity was the answer to everything in life. But that leaves me in the situation of having to accept a certain limitlessness. It is really hard to be properly insane without exceeding some by others carefully obtained limits for the living of ones life. And as much as one would wish that it was possible to go around the pain and anxiety of loosing control and having no limits to hold on to, it seems like that is the inevitable consequence of living a life by the parametres of insanity.

The limitation of limitlessness is that there is no limits. It is painful and hard but it is important to understand in the beginning of the journey. The goal is The Heart Of God and it has no limits. The way there is neverending and there will never be the morning when you wake up to a nine to five job and that is all there is to your life. Will you accept the challenge?

I didn't find a mental disorder. I found a life choice. Maybe not an image after all. A bigger choice. The choice to follow Jesus.