nightly thoughts during a break at work

Have you ever had the feeling that you are inwardly being torn to pieces because your mind is spinning all the time and your emotions can't keep up? I guess you have, most people have gone through it. I'm sick and tired of it. I keep telling myself: Breathe. Thank God. Say thankyou every time it feels like you are going to freak. Just relax.

But I just really feel unsuficiant. liek I'm not enough. Like I would be happy if only... that friend was here, or if that person could visit me, or that bill was paid, or this... Always one more "if" until I'm happy. And all the time this feeling like it's all a part of God's glorious growth plan for my life... It kind of sucks feeling that every little low and every freak out party is actually just a part of God's plan to purify and mature you. Couldn't life just be sucky without purpose for once? I can't believe I just said that, because if I believed it, that ther couldn't come anything good out of the bad, then my life would feel very, very pointless...

my blog seems to be napping a lot

I keep going online to write on my blog and then I change my mind because I can't find the words.

I am in a serious process of working through some theology and heart issues and battling with this and that and reading books and having long daily devotions. And it all centres around how the Catholic monestery life can teach me how to give up more of myself for the sake of others and to live more freely in the love of Christ.

It is hard and painful some days, but full of joyous tears and revelations too. What I really need to discover more is that I cannot win God's love nor deserve it, but that the fact that I don't deserve it doesn't mean that I should refuse it!

I think you should all come and visit me, everyone who happens to read this right now. Hugs!

my home

welcome

pilgrims and travellers

to my kitchen couch

a job! and time! and writing! and strange dreams...

I moved in Monday a week ago, and the same day I got a job! I am now working in an old people's home across the field from my house. I love it and really feel I got my dream job. The people working there are awesome, and so are the old people living there, even though some of them are very old and very sick.

I am reding much. On Church history and saints and what we can learn from them. Our brilliant Swedish author Peter Halldorf. And Tolkien of course. And journaling. And writing letters. And drinking tea. And spending much time in contemplation and silence.

So all is well, but for some weird nightmares. Last nights dream wasn't the worst of nightmares but it sure was weird... I dreamt I was watching one of those group of stupid people and one a week gets voted out- programs (obviously I had a TV in my dream!) where the participants were to train a working dog of some kind. And there was one dog who wasn't all that bright, and he got washed off by a wave when they where being pulled along on a rubber thing after a motorboat. And then there was a female participant who had misunderstood the whole working dog thing -her working dog was small and cute and treated like a baby. And for some reason all the dogs were given pets (!) and she gave hers a rat. I still have this image if how this little dog went and picked up his rat from a nest, and the rat looked dead, until the dog opened it's mouth straight into the camera and this huge rat face with gleaming red eyes looked into mine, and I just knew: the darn rat is carrying the plague!

Sure enough, soon they were scanning all the dogs pets to find out who had brought in the plague. A woman was explaining that the camels bones hadn't gone yellow, but they did find that it had very short thigh bones... And then she went to x-ray the elephant, who was a bit miserable, because he had a back pain, but that, the woman happily informed, was easily cured by acupunture...

(here my memory of this peculiar dream fortunatly trails off into darkness...)

my new home... the pilgrim is settling down!

I am about to discover the adventure of having my own home and being able to hold endless tea parties! I am over-joyed!

This is how it all worked out:

I have now rented a one room and kitchen cottage from the 1700's, the red kind with white corners, with an old iron stove and and a kitchen couch for curling up on with tea and friends by candle light... It is modern inside, but the outside is original, and the ceiling beam is too! It is gorgeous...

I am living in Nyköping, my home town, very, very close to the Ryan Air airport Skavsta (everybody get the hint and go: Yeey, let's go to Sweden!) and will be here for at least 6 months, working in an old peoples home. I am really excited! You should see my house guys, it is a haven of love the second you walk into it, and now that I have emptied it of all the "art" and "crafts" that filled the shelves and walls and done my best to make it truly mine, I must say it looks pretty cozy...

I hope and wish that my best friend Mirja will move in with me soon, but for now I am alone, which doesn't feel that bad after all, not for now.

Thanks everyone involved in sorting out my future: Feel free to visit me any time! I will make sure you get your share of tea... Oh, and I do have a great draw out guest bed in the kitchen!