lonely pilgrim (still at Monika´s house)
My heart is so broken.
I know it is really late at night and I have just finished reading one of those books that leaves you emotionally wrecked and in tears, as always, but I wouldn´t be justified in blaming it all on that. I believe my heart is broken. And, as many wise friends of mine would say, that is a good state to be in, though I myself would gladely exchange the current amount of tears running down my cheeks for a cheerier state of mind.
I know I am hiding behind long sentenced with an icy touch to them, hiding behind sentence strucures as usual. But really, I am writing this hoping that a friend or two will be reading. There, that set those tears off again.
I am so lonely. I have friends all over the world, more friends than I can count, not trying to brag in any way, just meaning that where ever I go there are new friends to meet and love. But every time I meet a friend, it is just to be torn away again, leaving a heartbreaking longing in my heart. I have been torn away from so many good friends, have moved away so many times, in so few years, that it feels like I´m standing on a remote island, waving to everyone I love at a far away distance. Yes, I am fully aware of many deep reasons for my life looking the way it does, none of which I mean to elaborate on now, some of which are for my own good by God´s device, some of which could be different but are being used by God being as they are the way they are.
But the fact remains, that I live in an everyday life where I do not have close friends joining me daily or at least weekly. Screw it, all the wrong people will be reading this and getting all worried about me, but what the heck, everyone knows I have my days of being a wreck so who cares. I can´t be the only one bawling my eyes out because I don´t have my friends around me at all times. I´m hurt. I´m really, really hurt, and I really wish I could be on this journey through life with someone, someone who would be here and not currently in Stockholm or Calgary or Vancouver or Africa for that matter, or in any other of those far away places life and God has chosen to place the people I love...
I guess I just had to write to get these tears to stop for a momet. Nuff self pity, eh? ´kay, sleep time, huh? Yup. Clock strikes 2 am.
I know it is really late at night and I have just finished reading one of those books that leaves you emotionally wrecked and in tears, as always, but I wouldn´t be justified in blaming it all on that. I believe my heart is broken. And, as many wise friends of mine would say, that is a good state to be in, though I myself would gladely exchange the current amount of tears running down my cheeks for a cheerier state of mind.
I know I am hiding behind long sentenced with an icy touch to them, hiding behind sentence strucures as usual. But really, I am writing this hoping that a friend or two will be reading. There, that set those tears off again.
I am so lonely. I have friends all over the world, more friends than I can count, not trying to brag in any way, just meaning that where ever I go there are new friends to meet and love. But every time I meet a friend, it is just to be torn away again, leaving a heartbreaking longing in my heart. I have been torn away from so many good friends, have moved away so many times, in so few years, that it feels like I´m standing on a remote island, waving to everyone I love at a far away distance. Yes, I am fully aware of many deep reasons for my life looking the way it does, none of which I mean to elaborate on now, some of which are for my own good by God´s device, some of which could be different but are being used by God being as they are the way they are.
But the fact remains, that I live in an everyday life where I do not have close friends joining me daily or at least weekly. Screw it, all the wrong people will be reading this and getting all worried about me, but what the heck, everyone knows I have my days of being a wreck so who cares. I can´t be the only one bawling my eyes out because I don´t have my friends around me at all times. I´m hurt. I´m really, really hurt, and I really wish I could be on this journey through life with someone, someone who would be here and not currently in Stockholm or Calgary or Vancouver or Africa for that matter, or in any other of those far away places life and God has chosen to place the people I love...
I guess I just had to write to get these tears to stop for a momet. Nuff self pity, eh? ´kay, sleep time, huh? Yup. Clock strikes 2 am.
posted by wild rose pilgrim at 4:42 PM
4 Comments:
Well... email me when you get lonely ;)
a friend read, didnt get worried and blesses you. halauksia tyttö. olet mun sankaritar erikka!
i read your post while i was on hold trying to find out information about my water bill. the music they were playing was the suitably emotional 'imagine' by john lennon.
as i read your post i felt as though i could have been reading thoughts that i might write. im just fed up of moving about, i've lived in about 11 different houses over the last 6 years, with over 20 different people. it does my head in sometimes. life can be lonely.
im not sure why im saying this. probably just to let you know youre not the only person on this journey through life that gets lonely, and sometimes a bit p*ssed off at the world, and sometimes at God.
anyway. i hope you have a great time at taize. i went for the first time this summer. i loved it. i can't wait to go back. no matter how lonely the journey sometimes gets, there are always people out there who will love you, who will befriend you. it won't stop the heartbreak, and sometimes there's no substitute for a hug. but God loves you
i know this too. only the circle is finally getter tighter around me. it means more to me since i had so many years of walking alone. i can't wait to see you again someday. who knows maybe in texas!!
whitney
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