facing the fox

I wonder if we aren't all fleeing the potential child rapist inside of us.

For along time I have wondered why the most godly and loving men throughout history have had such a deep insight into their own sinfulness. But when Church has focused on a condemning and legalized view on sin it has not created godly men, but broken people down and made them act in fear.

As I walked among the beautiful mountains, contemplating my own sinfulness (which may seem like a strange occupation in beautiful mountains) a thought grew in me. This fear of sin. I wonder if it isn't the fear of sin that drives us away from God, and into legalism and condemnation.

What if sinners aren't graded? Well, of course, you say, no sin is more sinful than another. But what I'm saying is, what if we all are capable of sinning in ways we could never imagine ourselves doing?

I fear the very thought of there being an Erikka inside of me who could beat children. Steal and murder. Hurt and torture. What if there could be found an Erikka inside of me who would take pleasure in causing others pain?

Potentially I could commit every sin that has ever existed on Earth. Is that a thought I am willing to accept?
And if I'm not, isn't this very refusal what drives me away from surrendering to God...?

I will always be found protecting high ideals. And speaking of God's love. And taking a stand for focusing on God's love and not on human sinfulness. But when I am faced with the beastly pornographic bitch inside of me, I find that my words about God's love don't comfort me. Because I am only accepting that God loves me as long as I am living up to certain minimum standards.

When my high ideals are scattered, I find that instead of turning to God for comfort and protection I hide and cling to my own condemnation and self-hatred. But here's the thing.

As I once again in my life was spitting in my own face and hating the feelings and thoughts and actions I didn't think existed within me, I found that God was not the one pouring poison down my throat. He was not boiling the tar and preparing the feathers. Instead, I got the feeling that he was saying that he knew I was capable of being a brutal bitch all along. I was expecting to get fried, but instead I felt a certain relief. I have all along been refusing to accept that there is a sinner within me. And the moments when I have faced her I have fought her like a hound hunts the fox.

But I don't think my fight has helped me much. The road is narrow. But somehow there is a part of me that keeps thinking that I can make it. And as good as that may sound it's a desperate lie. I can't make it. Whether I like it or not, I am fully and completely unable to live my life in a godly and loving way. Frankly, I'm quite fucked.

As long as I am unwilling to fully accept this fact, I will be unwilling to fully accept God as head of my life. I am still holding up a lot of Access Denied signs.

I guess the first step is to say: 'scuse the mess, but you'll just have to take it or leave it. Welcome to my dark corner.