B.I.T.C.H

I have this brilliant sticker on my fridge. It says:
Being bitchy and unstable is all part of my mystique.

At this time of my life, it is more than true. I am going through the B.I.T.C.H program for learning to love sincerely.

I have this constant longing for depth in reality, for communication, honesty and frankness. I wish for intuition to guide me as much as logic, and I want the world to open up it's secrets to me. I don't need to understand them. I just want to live them.

Studying acting is all about breaking down barriers and letting intuition guide. About making oneself vulnerable and open-minded, concentrating not on what goes on in one's own little bubble of life, but shifting focus to something else, something bigger. The bigger picture.

Something that isn't me is being formed out of what is me. Something that isn't me, is being made out of me and all the others working together to become one body - one stage, one play, one organism. I know how this is sounding... But as much as you might think so, I am not planning on spending my summer vacation at Findhorn.

But the more I allow myself to be vulnerable inside the class room walls, the more sides of my self seem to pop out into the open, outside the class room. I find myself using language I usually wouldn't (not as in speaking in tounges, rather some kind of fascinating bitch lingo I never used to use). I find myself not taking crap from others. I find myself tired of being some squeeky little puppet who talks with a girly voice and won't stand up for herself. OK, some of you choked on your chicken bones there, at least those of you who haven't met my squeeky side. I can be provocative on the surface, but far too much of my behaviour is just disguised people pleasing.

I refuse to be cute and kind out of fear. I will get back to being kind, don't worry, I won't always be swearing at people, pulling off rude jokes and being bitchy. (Well, I will at times...) But the thing is, when being kind is a way of hiding, when being soft and gentle is a learnt behaviour, it is nothing but just that, a learnt behaviour. It still serves it's purposes and in some ways makes this world a nicer place to be in. But it sure doesn't count for true love from God.

Now. I am a bitch. I am very much aware of the fact that there is quite a lot of bitch all the way down in me. But I'm sure not going to be anything but a bitch for any other reason than true love.

I will be saying things that others usually don't say in Church. I will telling my Mum that I don't care a crap if she doesn't like my way of living my life - if I invite people to sleep on my couch it's none of her business. I will be getting pissed at the parking guards when they hold up a Parking is Full sign.

And when I tell my friends I love them I say it because I mean it.
And when I tell people how I feel -spank me if ever I lie.
And when I pray, I know I do it as a beggar.

"I'm sure you'll work it through. I know I won't be left here hanging. I know you'll untangle the mess and make a new pattern. A pattern just a little more free. Just a little more me."

Welcome to
B.I.T.C.H:
becoming independent through Christ's healing