wild rose pilgrim

within every human

2009-04-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

I hope there is a piece of God within every human. I hope that deep within every person there is a glimpse of God; pure love; the ability of growth and caring. I must live in faith of that love; I must seek within the eyes of every human the eyes of God. Within every heart the heart of God. Within every hand the hand of God reached out.

We can choose not to act on the love within us. We can choose not to be the love we bear. But I must believe that we carry within us God even when we do not act as if we did.

I will listen. I will speak out when I disagree. I will hold you in my arms. I will protest when I am not treated with respect. I will hear your story. I will try and understand. I will try in every moment to love you. It might not get me to heaven.

I believe in having my eyes fixed on God. I believe that my eyes can not be parted from humanity if I want to see God. If I claim to see God but do not listen; if I claim to see God, but do not speak in honesty; if I claim to see God, but refuse to see you, I wonder what God I am looking at.

images of god and man

2009-03-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

Our definitions say more about us than about God.

It makes me sad that we Christians so often fight over theologies. I wish to make clear I don’t believe I am right. I believe I have met God, or rather; seen a tiny glimpse of what can not be defined by human words. I spend my life trying to grasp with my heart what cannot be understood by my brain. But I still think we need to think and speak.

All we have is our pictures; constantly changing; of a living God larger than our pictures. I need to quote a very close and loved friend, I hope you don’t mind, dearest.

“ God is none of our pictures of God. God is someone far beyond all of these. But pictures may be icons that help to draw us in, though if we ever get stuck at one picture, we'll be missing some other important aspect. “

I see God in people, flowers, sunlight. I have many pictures of God. I see God in Church, in The Word, in communion. But I also see that people have been oppressed by words used by Christians, wounded for life by our interpretations and rigid opinions. I believe we need new definitions. We need to hear new voices speaking out on the love of God. A young girl, still a child, once stood up and praised the Lord for showing her what powerful men around the world had not seen. She was to bear a child, bear within her God. I believe the unexpected still carry God within them. Bear new images, not complete, but alive.

White male theologians have determined what Christian faith is, for a very long time now. Much wisdom has been found. But there are many voices left unheard. I have not the complete Truth. I have a small vision of it. Others may have more. Already white male theologians through history have had many different ways of interpreting the Bible. There are many more. We need them. It lets us see many views of God. It teaches us not to be stubborn. If I only met people who agreed with me, I would never grow. I am learning this from others also learning it, while growing by my side. I tend to be stubborn but am humbled when met by people who disagree with me in loving ways. If I never listen to others I may be entitled to seeing others as less intelligent, less lovable, less Christian or even less human than me.

In Sweden, being born white, middle class and having chosen a heterosexual marriage I am in a position of power. I need to ask myself as a Christian and as a human, how do I use that power? Do I use a language that hurts people? Do I use my faith as a weapon against people?

For centuries a picture has been created of God as a man who can wipe out entire cities, kill children, and punish people with suffering and torture. I drew a picture of the Truth as a lesbian woman, in the eyes of this world the least of the least, with no power, completely naked, loving, breathing life into creation, having a loving relationship with what she has created. Why is that image of God more provocative?

ecumenia

2009-01-28T10:05:00.001-08:00

I believe God is a naked lesbian woman who makes out with the flowers in the morning.
You may say that is a metaphor. I say it is The Truth.

"Truth is not fact but relationship" say the wise. I treasure my relationship with God. She smiles.

We all view God from our own standpoint. Does that make our view of God any less true? We can only view God from our own standpoint. And so we judge eachothers views from our own perspective - thus turning them askew.

God gave us The Word after she gave us The Brain.
Maybe her features blur when we try to take her picture.

pulse of love

2008-08-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our house in Lund!

We have a garden. A fireplace. And we are soon about to plant roses.

Roots growing deep. Love is all around. I can feel its pulse in everything around me.

Love yourself. Love every freakin' inch of yourself. Love your body. Love your mind. Love your mistakes, your weaknesses, your tears. Love is so important that it can't be waited with. We can't wait another second with beginning to love ourselves. Loving ourselves to the extent that we forget ourselves because we are so ful of joy and love and contentment. When we love ourselves to the extent of wanting to dance naked in the garden we find the love that frees us. And others. And ultimatly the world.

Love is more than acceptance, but it starts with the full acceptance of this being me. This body; these hands, these feet, this belly, these breasts, this cunt, these eyes, this hair is a celebration of life! This is me. And this me is made from pure love. This is the mystery of life. It is the foundation I am created on. It is the gift and terrifying truth of my mere existence.

I believe in a world where people speak with eachother, and understand one another. Where people share possessions and thoughts, homes and lives. I believe in a world where people are free, in body mind and spirit. It isn't here yet. But it is a little bit closer for every person who believes in the right to love oneself as we love others.

(thankyou for your inspiration, bell hooks)

wedding pictures

2008-07-25T01:40:00.000-07:00

Me and my bridesmaids... Mirja, Sofie, me and Lina

Sorry for not writing for ages! The last months before the wedding were quite crazy... But now we are happily married! And back from our wedding trip in the Swedish mountains!

The dress was finished the day before the wedding... thanks to Mirja and her Mum, and a seamstress who helped us the last three weeks. Mirjas Mum did all the embroideries (and worked day and night for weeks). Warning: If you ever find a picture of a beautiful dress on the internet, but don't have a pattern for making it, think twice about asking your best friends to make it... it might be the hardest work they ever do!

Many friends helped us with preparations (more than helped! Made the whole day work!) Here my bridesmaid Lina, and my friend Nathan from Canada. Even the forest helped...

... when going to look for trees to decorate the barn with, we literally ran into a tree in the middle fo the road! It hadn't been there the day before, but it might have heard us talking about the wedding... Yvonne, from Canada, turned out being great at cutting tree branches.

Lina, Mirja, my Dad, my Mum, me, my husband Joakim, his mother and his father, and Sofie.

Me.

Me with family and bridesmaids.

Our frist dance... We got ready to waltz... and then came "Is it medicine" by The knife.

Me, Sofie and Lina.

Best part of the wedding ceremony...

Waiting for non-alcoholic champagne...

Joakim Pettersson and Erikka Chapman, happily married...

Welcome to Lund to visit us! We share a house with friends, and have a garden, a fire place and a guest room!

I can now be found on Facebook (but I'm not online all that often...)

the wild north

2007-12-26T09:48:00.001-08:00

Back in the North. Snow and ice and freezing cold. Why the heck do I love Kiruna?

Yesterday I saw the Ice Hotel, which is exactly what it is called. Made entirely out of ice. Very beautiful.
Today we saw reindeers and went for a scooter ride in the snow. Tomorrow we are going playing in the ski hill, in garbage bags...

I have finally met the sami people. I admire survivors. To me it seems, that if you know the mountains and the reindeers you have all you need in life.

I am longing for the summer and hiking across the mountains. We will join the sami as they gather up all the reindeers for the summer branding and counting. They won't brand them as with cattle, but cut their ears instead. Each person in the family has their own mark so the reindeers can be recognized as they run free in the mountains. It seems our honey moon will be fantastic! Oh, yes... I am getting married.

2007-09-19T02:38:00.001-07:00

no money for prague!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going to Prague at New Year

2007-08-02T01:58:00.000-07:00

check out Holding the tension- the power of paradox, a conference held by CAC (Richard Rohr's centre for action and contemplation). Will be going there for New Year. Join us?

http://www.cacradicalgrace.org/conferences/httcz/

breathing the forest

2007-07-30T10:54:00.001-07:00

African drums and people dancing around a fire. Cooking for sixty people over an open fire. Eating dumpstered food and talking about an alternative way of living. Learning primitive skills and resting.

More and more people see how our way of life in west is killing people in the third world. How our mines and factories are trashing every remaining forest and untouched world.

The only way to survive the depressing truth is through hope.

Hope is people dancing in the light of a fire.
Hope is people getting together to form self sustaining organic farm communities.
Hope is people willing to make the choice of not having a big house, a car and four different kinds of bread spread.
Hope is people choosing eachothers company instead of watching a new movie.
Hope is people realizing that every little step counts.
Hope is focusing on joy and solutions instead of hatred and problems.
Hope is seeing that people can work together in harmony cooking and gathering fire wood and making decisions.
Hope is seeing the pain of the earth and its people and still daring to laugh and dance and cry and find new ways of living.
Hope is taking action based on love and respect and a trust that if one person changes their heart, mind and life, others will follow.
Hope is fighting violence with love.
Hope is listening to people like Richard Rohr.

"You can never solve a problem with the same mentality that caused it."

2007-07-01T14:04:00.001-07:00

I met a man. His eyes reflected mountains.
He said:

“I cannot tell you who you are.
I cannot tell you who you should be.

I will not tell you your boundaries.
I will not tell you what you should believe.
I will not tell you how you should behave, what you should wear or how you should look.

All I can tell you is this:

I love you.
With everything you are and everything you aren’t.
With all you believe and all you don’t.
In every way you behave, and all the times you don’t.
In whatever you wear or don’t wear.
I love you.”

And suddenly I felt someone cutting the ropes.

My love language is adapting to who others want me to be. I give what others want, that is my way of loving.

“ Well is that love? “ he said and gave me no answers.

big trees

2007-06-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

learning from nature. how to be a tree. grow deep roots, thrive to reach the light, trust time, stay still but always moving, breathing, being alive.

stayed with eco-warriors in tree houses outside of edinburgh. will be going to a gathering in the forest in july. check out URVISION at http://www.vildvaxande.org.

standing in the forest dripping with rain. love is standing side by side seeing the same tree and loving it.

love is more than a feeling. but it sure feels good.

summertime is brilliant. saunas. camp fires. swimming. forest walks.

moving toward the forest. moving toward peaceful activism. moving toward love in action. tomorrow is a new adventure.

2007-05-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

kärleken är nära och gömmer sig mot huden och bakom den finns de öppna slätterna och bergen

because of love and light

2007-05-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

At one point I thought a wounded heart would not love again.
At many points I doubted whether my expactions on love where reasonable.
(never been very reasonable about anything)

There is a certain love that only God can give us.
And there is a certain love that God only can give us through another.

Strange to think how even the most painful failures in love relationship can heal and grow. How even the worst pain can be left behind. "You won't heal until you love again", they said. "How do you love again without healing?" I replied.

How come what you think you want the most can be the worst for you?

Thankyou David for seeing already a long time ago, what I might not have seen before it was too late.
Thankyou for making the decisions I couldn't.
Thanks for remaning a friend.

Thankyou God for teaching me to love wholeheartedly no matter what, and for daring to love again no matter what.

I finally let go of the past, of David and much else, during the darkest time of the winter.

Months later the spring came, and with it, all that I have longed for.

the pain of family and the essence of this bitch thing

2007-03-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

Family are those from who there is no escape. The people who follow you where ever you go. Having left such an impact on your innermost being, they stay a part of your life forever.

I see them in my face when I look in a mirror; the people who gave me my genes. The people who share my blood. Those who, like it or not, made me who I am.

And I feel them in my heart each day. The people who came into my life from nowhere at all, with no blood relation whatsoever, and got stuck there. The people who just happened to slip into my life, and the people who where invited. Those who, like it or not, made me who I am.

Sometimes I'd like to be free to just go about without family. Without those people who find every sore part of me and rub at it. I would like to have escapable friends.

Not that it would make me happy, but because it would be easier.

"Network. Before a word for those who took care of me. Nowadays a word for the contacts in my phone book." Åsa Sanders, in todays City Stockholm newspaper

Family. Those who actually do take care of me. And call me when I am busy flicking through the phone book on my cell for the fourteenth time trying to decide which name is the coolest or most beautiful or possibly the most compatible with mine.

In this world there are many ways of surviving. For me there are two. Either I adapt to the ways of the world around me, or else I don't. If I do, I will be soft and loving and friendly when around Christians who speak with soft and loving and friendly voices. Then I will be tough and rash and crude and sarcastic when I am confronted with the hard world outside the Church doors.

Or else I don't adapt. And then I refuse to be soft and loving and speak with a friendly voice just because that is expected of me, or just because others do so around me. And then I refuse to gossip and slander and provoke and hurt just because the world around me does.

But the truth still remains, that no man is an island. The people I carry in my heart will forever affect me. My voice, my body, my choice of food. My choice of music. (Playing at home right now: Bob Dylan, Rammstein and welle:erdball) And somehow I have to find that way of living that means opening my heart to those I love. Those who cannot be escaped. Who cannot be locked out. And yet live so fully in God's love that I refuse to be a puppet.

But since when was this an easy task?

Beg your pardon, God, but surely even you yourelf must sometimes wonder what you thought you were up to, creating earth and all?

B.I.T.C.H

2006-11-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

I have this brilliant sticker on my fridge. It says:
Being bitchy and unstable is all part of my mystique.

At this time of my life, it is more than true. I am going through the B.I.T.C.H program for learning to love sincerely.

I have this constant longing for depth in reality, for communication, honesty and frankness. I wish for intuition to guide me as much as logic, and I want the world to open up it's secrets to me. I don't need to understand them. I just want to live them.

Studying acting is all about breaking down barriers and letting intuition guide. About making oneself vulnerable and open-minded, concentrating not on what goes on in one's own little bubble of life, but shifting focus to something else, something bigger. The bigger picture.

Something that isn't me is being formed out of what is me. Something that isn't me, is being made out of me and all the others working together to become one body - one stage, one play, one organism. I know how this is sounding... But as much as you might think so, I am not planning on spending my summer vacation at Findhorn.

But the more I allow myself to be vulnerable inside the class room walls, the more sides of my self seem to pop out into the open, outside the class room. I find myself using language I usually wouldn't (not as in speaking in tounges, rather some kind of fascinating bitch lingo I never used to use). I find myself not taking crap from others. I find myself tired of being some squeeky little puppet who talks with a girly voice and won't stand up for herself. OK, some of you choked on your chicken bones there, at least those of you who haven't met my squeeky side. I can be provocative on the surface, but far too much of my behaviour is just disguised people pleasing.

I refuse to be cute and kind out of fear. I will get back to being kind, don't worry, I won't always be swearing at people, pulling off rude jokes and being bitchy. (Well, I will at times...) But the thing is, when being kind is a way of hiding, when being soft and gentle is a learnt behaviour, it is nothing but just that, a learnt behaviour. It still serves it's purposes and in some ways makes this world a nicer place to be in. But it sure doesn't count for true love from God.

Now. I am a bitch. I am very much aware of the fact that there is quite a lot of bitch all the way down in me. But I'm sure not going to be anything but a bitch for any other reason than true love.

I will be saying things that others usually don't say in Church. I will telling my Mum that I don't care a crap if she doesn't like my way of living my life - if I invite people to sleep on my couch it's none of her business. I will be getting pissed at the parking guards when they hold up a Parking is Full sign.

And when I tell my friends I love them I say it because I mean it.
And when I tell people how I feel -spank me if ever I lie.
And when I pray, I know I do it as a beggar.

"I'm sure you'll work it through. I know I won't be left here hanging. I know you'll untangle the mess and make a new pattern. A pattern just a little more free. Just a little more me."

Welcome to
B.I.T.C.H:
becoming independent through Christ's healing

love me love me not

2006-11-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

I don't function according to the social rules of society.

It doesn't usually worry me all that much. I know I am brutally honest and say things others usually don't. I know I fall head over heels in love with strangers and confront them with it. I know I expect deeper communication than just words, deeper contact than just two people moving around in the same space.

I could be perfectly happy with my obviously terrifying way of living, if it wasn't for the fact that it seems hideously hard to love me. Somehow it works out fine for anyone, male or female, to be my friend. But something in me seems to scare the crap out of any man who comes close enough to actually start falling in love with me.

I know I'm 21 and don't need to worry yet, really, but seriously. I do worry. What if I am just so extremely strange that loving me would be impossible? What if I am just so odd, so outside the socially accepted, that loving me would just be too hard? What if I am charming, lovely, kind and exciting until you come up really close and see me for who I really am? I am tired of being cool at a distance and scary when approached.

Sorry for asking such self-pitying questions today, but please tell me I am not the only human on earth who goes through these feelings? Is it normal to worry this much about your mental state of health? (Did this blog not start with that very question?)

Edinburgh

2006-09-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

For those who happen to be habitants of Edinburgh:

18th-22nd of October would be good days to drink some tea with me. I'll be there.

If you know of anything a theatre student should do while there tell me aaaaaaall about it.

Kisses.

creating monsters. finding me

2006-09-22T03:35:00.000-07:00

I have nearly lost my voice from screaming at the top of my voice in the process of finding a suitable monster within me. Not very responsible as an actress, I know, but it was necessary. Interesting exercise. I enjoy finding monsters within me.

my miniature list of things my theatre education is about

seeing people when looking in their eyes
being one with a group
communication without words
feeling the will of the group
how would I act if I was in a situation where...?
finding, NOT ACTING, a person within me
seeing others
hearing others
being one with others

As you may guess, this is a miniscule part of my education, but maybe the essence. Learning to see others is the base for an actress. May I suggest that this is a very, very, very hard lesson?

Oh, yes, the requested news on my relationship with David. I don't have the faintest clue. If anyone has a nick for giving other people good advice, feel free, but all I know is that I love him, he has no clue if he loves me, we are good friends, but we aren't dating. We were for a while, it just felt weird 'cause he wasn't ready for it, still hurting, still doubting, and so we let it go and for now we are good friends and I am trying to figure out whether to just live my life without giving a crap about it, live my life but still hoping for it, or live my life agonizing and crying my heart out over it. Actually, the last suggestion would take to much energy from my otherwise so brilliant life, so I'll just stick to the first two.

News

2006-09-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

I have a new home!

Welcome to Stockholmsvägen 5 in Nyköping, which is now my new home. It is a one room apartment where I can lock myself in for silence or invite friends for tea, just as I please! I love it... And it is close to the train station, as...

I am doing a years theatre course!

It is very intense and so much fun. It takes a lot of energy and gives a lot of energy. Concentration, focus, relaxation excercises. Power Yoga and stretch. Voice excercises and improvisation. Hard work but very rewarding.

Short news, gotta go and read up on some politics.. Yeah. Politics. I've gotta vote, you know. Vote. Vote. I know, it sure sounds like a swear word, but it's the curse of democracy...

2006-08-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

NOTICE
I am currently stupidly in love.
If communication efforts fail, please prevail in hope of returning sanity.

2006-08-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

At the restaurant where we had Vindaloo for breakfast once

2006-08-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Life dreams...

2006-08-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

Life streams...

2006-08-04T13:25:00.001-07:00

David by the mill

2006-08-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

The old mill